[The Ultimate Secret] : Where is my sweetness of Imaan?

She wondered. For the umpteenth time. What is wrong with herself? Why is she failing day after day?She ran after perfection day in and day out. Why can't she just get up for that extra Nafl prayer? Why can't she put down her phone and take the Quran in her hand? Why can't she do it when she knows they are rewarding?

He cried. Again, as he questioned his self-worth. Why can't he just be normal when talking with the sisters? Why does he always feel the impulse to text her when knowing all too well it isn't necessary? Why can't his fingers stay away from clicking that mp3 music link?

These are situations that PRACTISING Muslims face these days. No, it's not a picture of the non-practising people but real time conditions of the young people whom we see at every conference, volunteering for noble causes and spending their time for the sake of Allah SWT.

Human beings, let it be Muslims or not, practising or not, are inherently prone to errors and mistakes. And young, passionate, practising Muslims are no exception. They too have to overcome the hurdles of their Nafs, the fitna around them and the innermost dark thoughts that come up. They are being sucked into the era of easy accessibility to Fitna as well. Just because they attend every conference, weekend courses and take up Hifdh of Quran, it doesn't make them Syaitan-proof.

Abdullah bin Ahmed said:

“When death approached my father, I sat with him and in my hand was a scrap of cloth with which I wanted to tie his beard and he began to drift in and out of consciousness, then he opened his eyes and said, indicating with his hand: “No, not yet. No, not yet” And he repeated it three times. After the third repetition ,I said to him: Oh, my father! What is this thing which you have said at this time? You fall into unconsciousness so that we say that you have gone,then you return (to consciousness) and say: “No, not yet. No, not yet”He said to me : Oh, my son! Do you not know?” I said: “No”.He said :” Satan – May Allah’s curse be upon him – stood before me, he lowered himself on his knuckles and said to me:”Oh, Ahmad! You have eluded me.” But I replied: “No, not yet, not yet until I die.”

The scholars didn't feel safe from the traps of the Syaitan as well. How wrong would it be for us to think we would be Syaitan-proof? If the courses we attend and the tafseers we listen were to bring any good, it should make us more concious of our inner Nafs and the need and urgency of seeking Allah to help us. We all have an ideal "Islamic" picture of ourselves ; praying all prayers on time, with Sunnah prayers, getting up for Tahajjud every night, completing 1 juz of Quran each day, etc. The truth is a true practising Muslim will never reach the "Ideal" version! Hold on there, read on!

In fact, there will never be a day where one will look in the mirror and say, "Yes, I have achieved my ideal Islamic personality." The day you say that is the most dangerous day because you are now at your "peak" performance. Doing all those Ibadaah is good, but it won't last if you settle down for that "ideal" picture.

The pressing question arises; how does one get to feel the sweetness of Imaan? The sweetness of Imaan isn't tasted when you have reached that pinnacle where you do all the super-Ibaadahs. The sweetness of Iman, that sumptuous delicacy is treasured in the PROCESS of reaching that pinnacle. It is in the journey to please Allah SWT you will face physical and mental challenges.

Some people just start taking about Allah Azza Wajal and tears roll down their cheeks. What noble status they have achieved!But, they continue to strive too. The scholars said, if you can't cry for the sake of Allah, then pretend to cry for His Sake. Recall your past sins and your answered Duas. Make an effort to cry. It is in the effort that your sweetness of Imaan lies.

It is a huge blessing that Allah SWT tests us by making us confront with these challenges every single day. Every day is a choice whether to take the Quran or to check Facebook for the 5th time, to listen to the Quran Mp3 or to checkout the new hit songs that are just released, to lower our gaze or to simply have a "look" of what she looks like and the list is endless. Our daily life is about making choices. And these choices are difficult , needs conviction and a lot of strength.

Sweetness of Imaan isn't when you don't struggle to worhsip Allah in the best way. It is when you know you are struggling, you know you have mountains of sins on your back, you know you failed and are prone to fail in the future, yet you gather the courage to continue on this journey back to Allah. You continue even if you have to be limping. You continue even if you are broken.

Where else sweetness can be if it isn't in presenting yourself before Allah in a state of humility? 

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Ibn AlQayyim said, “A person will continue to struggle with obedience until it becomes beloved to them. And so Allah will send angels that will inspire them and push them.

أَحَسِبَ النَّاسُ أَنْ يُتْرَكُوا أَنْ يَقُولُوا آمَنَّا وَهُمْ لَا يُفْتَنُونَ

Do men imagine that they will be left (at ease) because they say, We believe, and will not be tested with affliction ? (Surah AlAnkabut:2)

The next time you feel overwhelmed by your mistakes and the guilt overtakes your ability to ask forgiveness from Allah, Al-Afuww, Al-Ghafoor,  stop in your tracks and cry. Seize these moments of "inability" because Allah loves the drop of tear from your eyes at this time. When a person feels guilt, that in and of itself is a blessing, a Rahma from Ar-Rahman. He, جل جلاله , who is free of all need, intends for you to get back on track when you have given up on yourself. Isn't this a sign that He loves us more than we love ourselves? Ponder.

The struggle is real and it will be there till the day the Ruh exits from the body to meet its Master. No matter how knowledgeable, religious and pious you become, Allah SWT refines the purity of His slaves by constantly putting them to test. If you feel down, broken, useless and weak, then it is this moment that you should capture and beg Allah to bring you back to Him. Isn't this a blessing again; to be able to recognise one's weakness and have no way to turn to except Allah, Al-Qawwiy, Al-Jabbar, Al-Haleem?

أَلَا يَعْلَمُ مَنْ خَلَقَ وَهُوَ اللَّطِيفُ الْخَبِيرُ

Should He not know He that created? And He is the One that understands the finest mysteries (and) is well-acquainted (with them).  (Surah Al-Mulk:14)

After you have done that, get up and rush to do good. Syaitan's whispers will continue making you feel like a hypocrite but that is just another nasty trick. Push yourself in the face of negativity. There will never be a day where you have achieved your "Ideal Islamic Image". The day you think you have reached that is the very day you are actually at your lowest. One Day, all the tears, humility, inability to do the best Ibadaah even after putting your full effort, limping back to Allah even when it hurts, continuing even when you don't feel like, will all manifest itself in the most glorious form. This Day will come soon. Till that day, STRIVE.

أَلَمْ يَأْنِ لِلَّذِينَ آمَنُوا أَنْ تَخْشَعَ قُلُوبُهُمْ لِذِكْرِ اللَّهِ وَمَا نَزَلَ مِنَ الْحَقِّ وَلَا يَكُونُوا كَالَّذِينَ أُوتُوا الْكِتَابَ مِنْ قَبْلُ فَطَالَ عَلَيْهِمُ الْأَمَدُ فَقَسَتْ قُلُوبُهُمْ ۖ وَكَثِيرٌ مِنْهُمْ فَاسِقُونَ

Has not the time arrived for the Believers that their hearts in all humility should engage in the remembrance of Allah and of the truth which has been revealed (to them) and that they should not become like those to whom was given Revelation aforetime but long ages passed over them and their hearts grew hard? For many among them are rebellious transgressors. (Surah Al-Hadid:16)

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The Blessed Land

Alhamdulillah, touched down KL at about 8.30pm after a long flight from Jeddah via Doha. The pain of returning from Umrah is overwhelming.

Needless to say, I miss Home, my Home, the Home of Rasulullah SAW, Ibrahim AS and Ismail AS. The pain of separation when I lifted my head from the last Sujud in the Blessed Mosque was so much so that I wished my soul was ripped from my body that very moment itself. Like a mature baby being cut off from the umbilical cord of it's mother as it enters this world, I cried wondering how could this be possible.

Subhanallah, the lessons that Allah taught me are way too much for my soul to even comprehend. Lessons after lesssons, realization of the subtle things in life poured down as I stood receiving it in awe, my mouth wide open in amazement.

My words can by no means do justice to what my heart wants to scream out loud. Feelings and
emotions I've never even known that existed was introduced into my life. Love, fear, hope, contentment, gratitude, guilt, shame, humility, mercy, kindness was thought in a way that it manifested itself in the depths of my heart, illuminating this little miskeen soul.

Old, weak, disabled, poor people staying and sleeping in Masjidil Haraam and worshipping Allah in pain and hunger made me feel so small. A sharp question stabbed me over and over again asking
me what is my worth compared to them in the Sight of Allah SWT?

Roads busy with people walking to the Harem at 2.00am in the morning, the cool breeze as dawn breaks over the valley, the chilly morning walks back to the hotel, the crimson sky with pearly clouds seeded on it, the rush of new pilgrims into the hotels, the melancholy of those who have to return and so much more sights that emancipates and pinches the heart repeatedly.

An incident comes to mind.There was this old woman from Pakistan if I'm not mistaken. She was struggling with her leg ache and I saw no one nearby to help massage her leg. I asked if I could help her and she handed me the oil and cream bottle. Whilst I massaged her leg, we both communicated in sign language since my urdu was limited. Yes, two people with no relationship and don't even have a mutual language were engaged in a soul-lifting, ego-breaking quality time. She told me her life story and Wallahi I was moved to tears right then and there. Her eyes could express the pain she went through. After the salah, I went to see my mum and my legs couldn't bear the weight of my heart. I stumbled and fell in front of my mom. I cried and cried and cried. I didn't know why the old woman's story mattered to me so much. Maybe, just maybe, because she gave me a new sense of hope that was too big and extremely sweet for me to bear. *bittersweet*

This journey gave me a lot of gifts - happiness, a sense of belonging in a "foreign" country, humility and friendship. I made dua so that He TEACHES me and indeed He is the Best of those who Teach and Guide.

O the one who is reading this! Go. Go for the Sake of Allah to visit His House as His Guest. Trust me, He will never disappoint His Slaves..

Here I am. Trying hard to console myself that life has to move on. But in a different way. In a way that will bring me much closer to Him.

After all, the newborn baby's life has not ended as the umbilical cord was cut off. Rather, Life has just Begun.

I may not be there yet. But I am closer to it than I was yesterday.

Buried under problems?

Our problems are overwhelming. Let it be the new project you're working on, that one friend who doesn't understand you, the exams that are coming up, the debt that we owe others and tons of other problems.

Remember, it's not the goal that matters the most. Getting a new car, finally finding the right spouse, getting a massive audience for the program that you organise is not the solution. We may think that is the actual success. However, in reality, it is not the ultimate objective.

It is the perseverance that we show through the process. The anger that we choose to hide. The gossip session that we try to avoid. The gaze we intentionally avert. The lustful desire that we consciously keep in check. The time we spend on useful things rather than movies and dramas. The ideas we think instead of the complains we never stop with. It is the process that matters. The real objective of the test is not the final solution that we think of. It is the ATTITUDE we develop through them.

Saying about it is different. Living by it is a whole new thing that needs courage. The whole process is painful, terrible, heart-wrenching, nerve-wracking and horrible. There will be a lot of failures and tons of mistake. But, get up and swim ahead. The journey is long.

Persevere till you meet your Lord! If it is for that one moment of standing in front of Him, then it is sure worth all the trouble and hurdles.

War between life and death

When the sun dips back into the sea, the night sky blankets over the town, the breeze humming along and the dry leaves rattling against the wind, the soul stands still and all alone in the dark,trembling.

The world is running at a speed like never before. The technologies and instant messaging took a toll on our lives. Families are torn apart on the inside without them even realizing it. People barely have the "luxury" to reflect on their lives. We accelerate towards an delusional world knowing too well that death is inevitable. The soul is buried under the weight of this world and is tortured to forget death. It puts on a make up of being an immortal and living here forever.The soul screams ferociously but its voice dissolves in our hectic schedule and busy lives. Its wounds and bruises go unnoticed and is left to die a slow death. The soul dies even before it leaves the body. A death which is forgotten and not even mourned for. Death of the soul on the battleground of a horrendous war.

There is a chance for another beginning. A chance for a new life and a fresh breath. Bring back the dead soul to life through the Quran. It is the only companion that could ever fill the void, tend to the wounds and bruises and lighten the burden of this world.No one is defying the importance of achieving in this Dunya. Yes, go ahead and flourish in all possible ways you like. Pursue your passion, begin that new business, get that dream job and apply for that grad school. Whatever it may be, live in this world to your full potential. Just not at the cost of the next. It is only and only when the Lord, the King of Kings, the Most Loving wishes to grant your goals and vision will be achieved.

The trick is to hold on to the Rope of Allah. Never put out that light of Iman inside you, even if it is only a flickering flame. It is not sinful to admit that you are weak and in need help. It is not wrong to say that you can't bear. In fact, being vulnerable is the first step in tearing down that delusional make-up you are wearing. Only strong people have the astounding ability to be vulnerable in front of Allah. Take that pain and put it on the place of your Sajda. Bring it to Him, who never forgets about you.

We live in a world where most people have stereotyped what should be painful and what should be taken for granted. The independence for our heart to grieve and to be patient is ripped off mercilessly. A young amateur girl is expected not to have difficulties in interacting with the opposite gender just because it simply isn't a girl thing. People who reflect much about their personal life and the intricate state of their heart are labelled as helpless people who rack their brains too much and are in need of a psychiatrist for "recovery". Those who took up Arts and Social Sciences are looked down because they weren't smart enough to take Medicine. Men are expected not to cry and women are expected not to have their own opinion.

Ignore all those comments and ruthless words by people who "seem" to care so much about you. Thank them and leave their presence, for your own sake at least. As I previously said, be courageous in being vulnerable. Al Wakeel, The One who promised you His Help and named Himself to be your Trustee, will catch you faster than your speed in hitting rock bottom. But, for that you need to tell him all your stories, even though He knows it well and much better than you, ask Him for His Help, plead for His Forgiveness, beg for His Love, be thankful for His Gifts and above all fall in Love with Him all over again. Just remember He knows.

This journey is long and tiring. But, Allah SWT chose to create you, fashion you so intricately, specifically designing you for a unique purpose and placed you in the best situations. It is because He knows and have confidence in you to handle it, to learn through it, to evolve from it, to unlearn from it, to breathe through it and finally live through it.It is fine if you have fallen down a million times. It is fine if your heart is scarred. Al-Jabbar, the One who takes care of your wound, will also make sure you get justice. You will get justice at the Courtyard of Allah on the Day of Judgement. Be at peace that nothing will happen except it was meant to be. Strange is the affairs of the believer for whatever happens it is good for him.

Be patient oh soul! For this battle between dunya and Akhira will come to an end. And know that when it comes, the luxury to make choices will be taken away. And it is on that day true Life will begin. Till then, preserve in patience and prayer by making the right choices.


O mankind, indeed you are laboring toward your Lord with [great] exertion and will meet it.
(Surah Inshiqaq : 6)